


I loved and I lost you

by Elysereyes



Category: Costia the 100 - Fandom, Lexa The 100 - Fandom, Lexa kom Trikru - Fandom, Lostia - Fandom, commander lexa - Fandom, lexa - Fandom
Genre: Clexa Parallels, Commander Lexa, Costia/Lexa - Freeform, F/F, Lostia, The 100 - Freeform, adc, before Clexa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2019-03-17 11:45:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13658325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elysereyes/pseuds/Elysereyes
Summary: A short fic of Lexa’s life with her mentor Anya and girlfriend Costia.***TW: Brings up the way Costia died***





	I loved and I lost you

**Author's Note:**

> Please note that in this fic Costia and Lexa are both 18 :) thank you, I hope you enjoy

“You’re stepping too far before you strike.” Anya chides, she swings her staff with ease, tucking it under her armpit as she assesses me. 

“You’ve been skipping training lately, you’ve been bested by the most inexperienced of natblidas and when you do decide to show, you’re late. Chit ste matter kom Yu.” 

I can’t help but scoff, “Eintheing.” 

Anya raises her eyes brows and I know exactly what she’s thinking but too late, in one swift motion she swings the staff and knocks my feet out from under me. 

My body turns on instinct using my own staff to stop my fall, catching my balance, I jump to my feet. 

“What was that for?” I ask, my body suddenly warm from embarrassment, Anya hasn’t been able to catch me off guard like that since I was a kid. 

“What are the three pillars of the commander.” 

“Wisdom, strength and compassion.” The words come naturally, having said them over a million times. 

“Good,” she reaches out and my body tenses instinctually, but she simply pulls a piece of grass from my braid. 

“Lexa, you need to tell me if something is wrong. It’s interfering-“

“With my training, yes, I know.” My voice is harsher than expected, rarely speaking to a superior like that.

Anya doesn’t act angry, she cocks her head and smiles sadly, “Is this about the girl.” 

My heart skips a beat before responding. “What girl?”

“You don’t have to play dumb with me, you know exactly who I’m referring to.” She wipes the sweat from her brow, The Trikru girl. Costia is it?” 

My cheeks redden at the sound of her name, but my expression stays stoic. 

“A loyal friend.” 

Anya sighs, exasperated, “Do you simply see me as another Titus?” She drops her staff, the sound of it hitting the ground echoes through the woods, “Another person to tell you that you cannot have a life if you want to be the commander?” 

I looks at her, “No.” 

“No?” She gestures for me to drop the staff, “Then tell me what is going on with you, you can trust me.”

I hesitate before dropping it, but know that I can indeed trust her. 

Anya nods and walks to the rocks behind her, sitting with her back pressed against the cool granite, I follow suit. 

Neither one of us speaks for a minute and then  
“You’re in love with her, aren’t you.” Her words are that of a question, but she says it like she already knows the answer and so I don’t hesitate with my response. 

“I am.” 

Anya sucks in breathe, evidently not expecting me to give in so quickly. 

“And believe me, I know, hodnes laik kwelnes. I get it, I do.” I tilt my head back, welcoming the warmth of the sun through the trees. “ I know.” 

“I don’t think it’s true.” Anya looks at me, understanding in her eyes. 

“Love? It’s not a weakness unless you let it become one.” 

The words fall from my lips before I can stop them. “Have you ever felt it.” 

She sighs, grabbing the flask of water beside her. 

“I did,” taking a swig, she continues. “I was your age when I met her. She wasn’t much younger than I was but she was wise beyond her years. She was bringing in items to trade from the dead zone and she stopped for weapons in Polis and that’s when we met.” She looks up, I know she tries not to show it, but the sadness in her eyes tells me this isn’t a happy story. 

“Some tried to take her things without offering a trade and Indra wouldn’t allow it. We followed her around for the rest of the day, making sure no one tried to take advantage. She didn’t mind though.” She laughs, short and sharp, but a laugh nonetheless. “She was so full of life and joy. She didn’t even care that people had tried to steal from her because she wanted to help people. When Indra had to leave to speak with the flame keeper about Gaia I stayed and we talked for hours. At the ended of the day she traded enough supplies to stay in the capital for a month and so she did. She stayed in our village every night and every night she told me stories and promised me that someday she would take us to the city of light.” 

Anya passes the canteen to me, I take it but keep my eyes locked on her. 

She’s always been the one I could go to for things she was always the one to help me but she had also been closed off about her personal life.

“It was her last day before she had to leave and we spent the day at the quarry before eventually ending in town to pick up her cart. There was a fight between two Trikru soldiers and people were running all around, she was cut and though it was minor, her blood was as black as her hair.” 

My eyes widen, knowing that unclaimed nightbloods are few and far between.

“What happened.” I ask tentatively, already knowing the answer. 

“She was executed. Heda knew that if she lived she could try and take the throne and so she killed her. Death by a thousand cuts for treason against the commander.” 

I had always heard about the stories of the way we deal with traitors, it was harsh but it’s how we survived.

I also know that nearly every member of the village had to partake or face the same fate.

My voice is barely a whisper, “And you had to do it too, didn’t you?” 

She nods and I suck in a sharp breath.

I imagine Costia with her curly dark hair and deep brown eyes. I imagine her laugh and her smile silenced forever and my chest aches.

“Anya...” 

“Do not pity me, it was my own undoing. I was the one who was so eager for her to stay, I was the one that told her that Polis was safe when it wasn’t. I was weak because I let myself be.” 

She looks at me, her jaw clenched. 

“You can love, but do not let it cloud your judgement, do not let it interfere with your life as commander because you cannot afford it.” 

She looks forward, tilting her head back. “Commanders often forget about the last pillar, compassion. I don’t want you to forget that.” 

I nod. 

“Say that you understand.” She presses.

“I understand.” 

She smiles weakly, “Don’t skip anymore of your training, fight hard and fight smart and you will be the greatest commander the clans have ever seen.” 

My chest swells at the compliment and before I can thank her she stands. “I think you have somewhere to be.” 

I cock my head, confused, but understand when she gives me a knowing look. 

The corner of my lip lifts into a half smile. ”Thank you.” 

Anya nods and grabs her staff from the ground, gesturing for me to go. 

I turn and jog back to Polis for my horse. 

* * *

The ride back to the Trikru village is uneventful and of course, I take the time to imagine all of the things that could go wrong. 

When I get there it's quiet, many of the Villagers either training or trading goods in the capital. 

I reach the entrance to Costia’s cabin in minutes and take a deep breath before opening the door. 

The sheer number of lit candles is always the first thing I notice, I personally believed that they were hazardous in such a large quantity but Costia loved them. 

”Lexa?” I hear a small voice call out and sure enough, Costia stands at the back wall of the kitchen. 

My body warms at the sight of her, hair drawn back in a velvet red headscarf, her almond eyes wide with curiosity. 

I can't help but smile.

”Costia.” Is all I say. 

She wipes her hands on her pants and walks up to me, her embrace smells of home.

”You’re just in time.” She beams up at me. I unstrap the sword from my back and lay it against the wall by the front entrance. 

”In time for what?” 

She takes my hand, pulling me towards her kitchen and the place where her skin meets mine tingles. 

”Yu na ai op.” You’ll see. 

As we get closer to the back of the house the sharp smell of evergreen reminds me of the woods surrounding the village. 

”Gon yu.” For you, she says finally, I look to where she points. 

A candle about the size of a dagger stands on the counter, I step closer and see the pine needles molded inside that are evidently causing the smell. 

The part that catches my attention most is the carved outline of me with my warpaint, the sacred symbol of the commanders, an symbol of infinite possibilities. I look down and see her name carved at the very bottom. 

Her handwriting is small and messy but beautiful nonetheless.

”I know that you don't really like candles but I thought-” 

I'm used to by body moving on instinct in combat, used to letting it think for me but I never expected it to do anything like this. 

I catch her face between my hands and crash my lips down onto hers. She gasps lightly against my mouth before she responds. 

Her lips are fierce and desperate against mine, years of emotions coursing through us.  
She takes a few steps forward and I feel my back press against the counter. 

When she whispers my name I feel the heat spread throughout my entire body. 

I pull away for a second, panting, my eyes sting from unshed tears. Her own pupils are dilated, asking me a silent question.

I nod. 

She takes my hand and leads me to the bed. I sit and she smiles, a bright loving smile that makes me catch my breath. 

”I love you.” she whispers and before I can respond she crashes her lips back against mine. I feel her hands around my back and she moves forward, straddling my hips. 

The noise that I make, a quiet grunt, makes her laugh and her fingers trace the back of my chest piece. 

”Can I?” Unable to respond I nod and pull her lips back down.

It takes awhile to untie the light armour but the laughs and smiles are worth it.

When nothing remains but our under clothes she places a hand on my chest, pushing me gently into the bed. 

I put my hands on her hips and try to control the rapid beat of my heart but when she pulls the top up and over her head, my heart nearly stops altogether. 

The rest of our clothes fall to the floor until it's only us. 

I don't feel the pressure of the conclave, no need to please anyone other than this girl right here.

This girl that I love. 

***

When I wake, the deep brown arm draped across my chest makes me smile. I kiss her forehead, the reminder that her headscarf lies somewhere on floor with the rest of our clothes makes my smile widen. 

”Morning,” she whispers, her eyes still shut. 

”Good morning.” I prop myself up on one arm and kiss her deeply, her tongue grazes my lips and my body shudders before I have to pull away. 

”I wish I could stay here all day.” She reaches her hand up and brushes a loose strand of hair back. 

”So why don't you?” 

I sigh, rolling my eyes. ”I have training with the other nightbloods.” 

”I wish you didn’t have to do that.” 

”It’s my duty to my people.” I say simply.

”Yeah,” she twirls a strand of my hair absentmindedly. ”But is it the life you wanted?” 

I look down at her, so beautiful and free. Maybe that's why I was so drawn to her at first, she didn't seem to be worried about the future, she lived in the now. 

”It was for a time.” 

”And now?” she blinks quickly.

”I want you.” 

***

For the next few months we spend our nights together and in the morning Costia helps me replace my training gear and each day she kisses the base of my neck and I feel the urge to stay. 

The day the commander dies is a day that we’d both remember forever. The conclave came and went and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. 

In theory, killing others to survive was easy, but in practice it was an entirely different story. 

I didn’t cry that night, but it was because Costia’s arms were there to comfort me. 

When I was forced to move into the Polis tower she helped me by making it feel like a place I could call home. She brought her candles and soon there were more candles than I could count. 

Nearly a year of us living and being happy and together passes. No one finds out and I finally let myself think that maybe my life as commander wouldn’t be so lonely. 

***

”I'll see you when I get back from Trishanakru.” Costia says sadly. 

I sigh, remembering that we had talked about it the week before.

She had to help the merchants in the forest with new pricing and trade routes.

”Now it's my turn to ask you to stay.” I tell her, frowning slightly. 

She kisses me slowly and I savor the feeling, ”And it's my turn to tell you that I can’t. It’s only a few days.” 

She hesitates a moment. ”I love you, Lexa.” 

I feel my chest tighten, she hasn't said the words since our first night together, no doubt fearful of any unwanted eavesdropping.

Without hesitation I bring my lips back to hers, they taste sweet. 

”I love you.” my lips move against hers, ”I love you, Costia.” 

With that, we share one last embrace and then she’s gone. 

***

A few days. 

She was only supposed to be gone a few days. 

Commanders usually don’t train as often as when they were nightblood initiates but I couldn’t keep pacing in that stupid room.

Anya is the only one who trains with me, trying to give me different explanations for Costias long absence. 

At first I tried to believe her, but when a month passed without any word, I didn’t want to hear it. 

My entire body aches the next morning, but the feeling would soon be replaced by my entire world crashing down. 

I rise like I do every morning, I comb out my hair and braid it back and end up applying the warpaint around my eyes. I get up to change because today I have to meet with the members of the different clans to discuss the coalition. 

When I reach the foot of my bed I stop at the sight of a simple unopened wicker box. 

I sigh, grateful for the gifts from the clans but not really in the mood. 

I almost don’t open it and I wish that I hadnt.

Walking over I pick up the heavy box and set it on my bed. I grab the dagger from my belt and cut the twine wrapped around it. 

I only have to look at it’s contents for a second before I feel all the color drain from my face, my veins feel like they’ve been filled with ice. 

“No.” I whisper, my eyes burning like fire. “No, no, no, no.” 

I know that I’m saying the words but I don’t hear them. 

I don’t hear anything but the rush of blood in my ears.

I fall to the ground but the image of Costia's severed head, packed haphazardly in the box with eyes glazed, staring at me blankly, makes me feel ill. 

I stay there on my hands and knees for what feels like hours when finally the tears come. 

The shaking sobs that wrack my body are relentless and utterly painful, each breath a reminder that she had already taken her last. 

I try to stand but I can’t, my entire body feels as if it were made of glass, on verge of breaking altogether.

I had been cut, beaten and bruised beyond measure through all my years of life, but this? This was the worst pain I had ever felt. 

I clutch at my chest, feeling as if my heart were breaking in two right then and there. 

I don’t hear the guards open the door but when Anya runs in I look at her. 

“Lexa?” She asks me, hesitant and confused. 

I can’t speak, I can’t breathe. I gesture to the box on the bed and she walks over. 

I see her eyes widen in horror and then she comes down to hold me. I latch onto her desperate to feel something other than the pain but it’s no use, Costia’s gone. 

After that, the only thing I remembered was her holding me as I sobbed until finally, my eyes closed and I welcomed the darkness. 

***

When I woke, my head was still lain in Anya’s lap.

I get up, too quickly, my head reeling but still remembering what I had originally woken to do. 

“The ambassadors.” My voice was nearly gone though I didn’t remember screaming. 

“I’m going to have Titus tell them to come back-“ 

“Don’t bother.” I go over to the mirror to make sure that I’m presentable and the usual perfect lines of my warpaint are running in small trails down my face. I’m about to fix it when I drop my hand. “I’m fine.” 

“Lexa-“ 

“I said that I’m fine, Anya.” She looks at me, and I realize how much emotion I had just shone. “Now leave me and tell the ambassadors to stay, I’ll be with them shortly.” 

Pain crosses her face but she leaves.

I look back to the mirror, the streaks in my mask now worn as a reminder that love was indeed weakness.


End file.
